Don’t Make Someone Your Priority If You Are Only Their Option!
What can one say when their oldest daughter is “in love” for the first time? It has been exciting at times, who doesn’t enjoy seeing that happy contentedness that comes with being in a relationship? Most of the summer Mariah was off in her own world, their own world, I suppose. Filled with trips to the beach, laughter, movie nights, sushi, late nights and just enjoying each others company.
Mariah and I are very close so I have the luxury of chatting with her about so many things in her life, this being one of them. It has made me ecstatic to see her happy and having fun. Maybe I have lived a little vicariously through her, because lets face it your relationships only stays in that ecstatic period for a time and then settles into something else which hopefully good but less frantic.
So the boy, MJ? Well he is what I would call the “perfect boyfriend” in many ways. He is handsome, clean-cut (good hygiene), a scholar, in fact he has been accepted into West Point in the fall, witty, polite and just enough awkwardness to keep him charming. His family is far from the poor house and has instilled good values in him about money. He gets basically no freebies from them. So he does seem perfect.
But now it has been about six months and I see him orchestrating the relationship. Although they do spend a lot of time together it wouldn’t be unlikely for him to suddenly leave Mariah out of the loop. Obviously, they can’t and don’t need to spend ever moment together, but I think the rules for him have changed, before the rules for her. Friend time is hitting the top of the priority list.
Besides attending school for 35 hours a week, Mariah has had a full 30 hour a week work schedule. When she isn’t working she would prefer to spend her little bit of time with him. That seems reasonable. He doesn’t work so he has the free time to spend with friends when she is busy working.
There is this little thing called being cheap also that seems, well, cheap! On numerous occasions they have planned to go out for a bit, but it never materializes, and they stay in for the evening. Yet the next night he will go out with his friends. When she told me he spent $30 on some recreational substance that is not part of their relationship, but is something used with his friends, she was hurt. Now that is probably the biggest offense against me the Mom, hurting my child in some way, is not going to win you any brownie points. I don’t care at this point how witty you are or how clean you keep your fingernails.
Then there are the flowers that have never arrived. “I want to get you some flowers, but I don’t have a way to the florist.” Yes, that is right, Mariah, although she is one year younger is the sole license holder between the two of them. She has chauffeured him all over the place, of course she didn’t mind it at the time, either did I but I might mind now. So no flowers! He talked about getting her some jewelry, “yes, he would like to, but probably couldn’t pick something out!” What? Really? They went to the local mall the other evening and she was purchasing a sweater and she told me, “well MJ offered to buy it for me, but he only had $7.00 with him.” Seriously? Well, that was a convenient time to make an offer that couldn’t work out?! (but at least he offered) Yeah, I don’t think so. Huh?
I am trying to give him a break because they are both young, however, I am also trying to tell Mariah that this is her relationship too. It is okay to have some demands, and that she has the right to feel a bit dejected. And he should really get no points for pretending to do something glorious.
Oh, how I wish that it was not “that serious”. But it is and now I dread the fallout that may be coming down the turnpike. It is too bad that the clock can’t be rewound in relationships. As fun is it is to have your head in the clouds during those early days I think learning to have your own voice would serve a person more appropriately.
In the end I have told her don’t make someone your priority if you are only their option. She is pondering this and in the end I hope that it is her decision if she decides to opt out of this. I will probably give an updated post in the future on these matters of the heart! Oh the things that make a Mom’s heart ache!
You Know What It’s Like – Jane