You Know What It's Like

Unbelievable! Everyday happenings!

Archive for the tag “feelings”

Don’t Make Someone Your Priority If You Are Only Their Option!

What can one say when their oldest daughter is “in love” for the first time?  It has been exciting at times, who doesn’t enjoy seeing that happy contentedness that comes with being in a relationship?  Most of the summer Mariah was off in her own world, their own world, I suppose.  Filled  with trips to the beach, laughter, movie nights, sushi,  late nights and just enjoying each others company.

Mariah and I are very close so I have the luxury of chatting with her about so many things in her life, this being one of them.  It has made me ecstatic to see her happy and having fun.  Maybe I have lived a little vicariously through her, because lets face it your relationships only stays in that ecstatic period for a time and then settles into something else which hopefully good but less frantic.

So the boy, MJ?  Well he is what I would call the “perfect boyfriend” in many ways.  He is handsome, clean-cut (good hygiene), a scholar, in fact he has been accepted into West Point in the fall, witty, polite and just enough awkwardness to keep him charming.  His family is far from the poor house and has instilled good values in him about money.  He gets basically no freebies from them.  So he does seem perfect.

But now it has been about six months and I see him orchestrating the relationship.  Although they do spend a lot of time together it wouldn’t be unlikely for him to  suddenly leave Mariah out of the loop. Obviously, they can’t and don’t need to spend ever moment together, but I think the rules for him have changed, before the rules for her.  Friend time is hitting the top of the priority list.

Besides attending school for 35 hours a week, Mariah has had a full 30 hour a week work schedule.  When she isn’t working she would prefer to spend her little bit of time with him.  That seems reasonable.  He doesn’t work so he has the free time to spend with friends when she is busy working.

There is this little thing called being cheap also that seems, well, cheap!  On numerous occasions they have planned to go out for a bit, but it never materializes, and they stay in for the evening.  Yet the next night he will go out with his friends.  When she told me he spent $30 on some recreational substance that is not part of their relationship, but is something used with his friends, she was hurt.  Now that is probably the biggest offense against me  the Mom, hurting my child in some way, is not going to win you any brownie points.  I don’t care at this point how witty you are or how clean you keep your fingernails.

Then there are the flowers that have never arrived.  “I want to get you some flowers, but I don’t have a way to the florist.”  Yes, that is right, Mariah, although she is one year younger is the sole license holder between the two of them.  She has chauffeured him all over the place,  of course she didn’t mind it at the time, either did I but I might mind now. So no flowers!  He talked about getting her some jewelry, “yes, he would like to, but probably couldn’t pick something out!”  What? Really? They went to the local mall the other evening and she was purchasing a sweater and she told me, “well MJ offered to buy it for me, but he only had $7.00 with him.” Seriously? Well, that was a convenient time to make an offer that couldn’t work out?! (but at least he offered) Yeah, I don’t think so. Huh?

I am trying to give him a break because they are both young, however,  I am also trying to tell Mariah that this is her relationship too.  It is okay to have some demands, and that she has the right to feel a bit dejected. And he should really get no points for pretending to do something glorious.

Oh, how I wish that it was not “that serious”.  But it is and now I dread the fallout that may be coming down the turnpike.  It is too bad that the clock can’t be rewound in relationships.  As fun is it is to have your head in the clouds during those early days I think learning to have your own voice would  serve a person more appropriately.

In the end I have told her don’t make someone your priority if you are only their option.  She is pondering this and in the end I hope that it is her decision if she decides to opt out of this.  I will probably give an updated post in the future on these matters of the heart! Oh the things that make a Mom’s heart ache!

You Know What It’s Like – Jane

Tell Me Something Good…….

I was thinking how after you get to know someone, you don’t really see them any longer. You may wake up to them everyday, send them off to school, or work with them but you don’t necessarily look at them.

When visiting with my daughter, Mariah, after she worked last night I asked her about her boyfriend, MJ, and what he was up to in school. She smiled and said “well he said I looked pretty today, and after that I really don’t know what was going on with the day.” I thought this was sweet he had made her day by reminding her that he thought she was pretty!

So, I challenge myself and anybody else reading this to take the time to look at your friends, spouse, family and tell them something nice. Really look and make them know that you actually saw them today!

You Know What It’s Like – Jane

The Story of Feelings

The name of this blog is actually the name of a book by Laurie Berkner.  It is a children’s book that talks about feelings and gives children a description of what they may be feeling, when I cry I am sad and crying makes me feel better.  Laughing makes me feel better, when I am happy, yelling when I am angry is okay and makes me feel better.

I am fortunate to work with preschoolers on a daily basis!  I know some of you will find it hard to believe that I truly adore these three to five-year olds so much.  There is probably not an age that is nearly this honest, this inquisitive,  or this innocent in so many ways.  Trust me I have meant a few kiddos who seem to be a bit too precocious for their wee years, yet even in that, it is usually due to exposure out of their control and I feel that still spotlights their innocence in the matter.

The Story of Feelings is a book that we use in our classroom along with a cd that has an awesome calming song that soothes even our toughest three-foot clients.  Today while singing along to this with the children it spurned me on to think of how disingenuous we become as adults about our true feelings.  It is funny because when we are children we are taught the importance of honesty.  If you lie you are probably a bad child, you will have some unpleasant consequences, maybe you will even go to a bad place. But, little Johnny or Suzie, “honesty is the best policy”. Really?  Of course, we don’t want our children to be anything but truthful. Really?

“Young children can be blatantly honest. With statements and questions such as these. ” They are reallllly old!” “You can’t sing!” “They look like this >.< (furrows eyebrows)  and so I don’t want to play with them!” “Your skin is black.” “They are a boy/girl and I don’t want to play with them!””You’ve got a big butt!””They are a boy so they have a penis, right?” “I don’t like you.” “You look wrong.” You have this or that or you don’t have this or that.  So many honest comments.

In time,  kids discover that you can’t really be honest about things, least of all your feelings.  Of course we all need to teach our children the social graces of when it is okay to say things or ask things. But it isn’t long before we teach them to stifle how they feel as well.  Have you ever seen someone punish their child and then tell them  not to cry about it? Wow!

In our classroom we discuss feelings a lot.  A daily question is “how are you feeling today?” Well how do you answer that question?  Nine times out of ten you say “fine”. That is the prescribed answer isn’t it?  That is what we say and that is what people hope to hear because then they can say they are fine too and move on with their day. We all do it, our children hear it.  They learn it.  So our children become conditioned to answer in the same manner. “I am fine.”

This is so ingrained that I don’t know how much we can change, but I do think that I am going to make a conscious effort to think before I answer this question the next time I am asked it.  Well at the very least maybe I can come up with a different adjective that means fine. It sound like this, “Hi, how are you?” ” Satisfactory, thank you.”

Okay my writing is digressing, my teenage daughters are discussing their day and well, I don’t want to miss out.  Maybe I will ask them how they are and see what they answer!   Also I will try to link the “feeling song” before I post this.

You Know What It’s Like – Jane

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